The Financial Belief I Had to Unlearn: "My Kids' Education Comes First"
Updated: 4 days ago
Key points
Many parents believe their kids' education must come before their own financial security. The belief crosses cultures and generations, and it applies especially to immigrants who want to give their children every possible advantage.
A banker once asked me whether I had maximized my own retirement accounts before opening 529s for my kids. I didn't understand the question at the time.
Your children can borrow for an education. You cannot borrow for retirement.
A financially secure parent is a gift to their adult children, not a burden.
Putting retirement first doesn't mean valuing education less. I didn't debunk my old belief; I re-contextualized it.
Parents can support their kids' education in other ways than paying for everything: helping them earn money, work toward scholarships, and compare the return on different schools.
In an earlier post, I explored several money scripts born from a background of Soviet scarcity: Unlearning Soviet Scarcity: 5 Inherited Money Beliefs to Re-Evaluate. Today, I want to look at a different, but equally powerful, inherited belief that crosses cultures and generations: the idea that our kids' education must come before our own financial security.
For many parents, and especially for immigrants who want to give their children every possible advantage, the belief that "my kids' education is the number one financial priority" feels less like a choice and more like a duty. For years, this was my unquestioned truth.
The Belief: "My Kids' Education Comes First"
When I first came to the US, I was determined to do everything "right." I learned about the 529 college savings accounts (education savings accounts with tax benefits), and it felt like I had discovered a golden key to my children's future. I marched into the bank, ready to open the accounts and start aggressively saving. It felt responsible. It felt like what a good parent should do.
The Banker's Question
I remember the moment clearly. The banker was helping me set up the 529s, and he asked a simple question: "Have you maximized all of your own retirement accounts before you decided to invest for your kids' education?"
I was honestly baffled. I didn't understand what he was talking about. In my mind, the two things were completely separate. My retirement was a distant, abstract problem for "future me." My kids' education was a clear and present priority. What did one have to do with the other? I politely ignored the question and proceeded to fund the accounts.
But the question stuck with me. It was a small stone in my shoe, a bit of cognitive dissonance I couldn't shake. It didn't make sense to me then, but it planted a seed.
Kids Education vs Retirement: What I Understand Now
It took years of financial learning, planning, and running my own numbers to finally understand the logic in that banker's question. This is how I see the kids education vs retirement question now:
Your children can borrow for an education. You cannot borrow for retirement.
A financially secure parent is a gift, not a burden, to their adult children.
By ensuring I am on track for my own financial independence, I am removing the potential for my children to have to support me in my old age. That is a form of freedom that is worth more than any fully-funded 529 plan.
Today, when anyone asks me about saving for their kids' college, the very first question I ask them back is the one that once confused me: "Are you on track for your own retirement?"
What This Doesn't Mean
This doesn't mean I've devalued education; far from it. It remains one of my highest values. I make sure my kids are in good schools and have opportunities to explore and develop their talents. But I've learned that it can't come at the expense of my own financial security. Being able to pay for my children's education is a gift, a bonus that I will do everything I can to provide when the time comes. But not until I secure my own future first.
I didn't debunk my old belief; I re-contextualized it. The goal of providing a great life for my children didn't change, but my understanding of what that truly requires became much, much deeper.
Supporting My Kids in Other Ways
My support can also come in many other ways than just paying for things. I can help them find ways to earn their own money, work towards scholarships, and make better choices of schools by assessing the ROI of an education versus their future career choice. A good elementary, middle, and high school education is already setting them up for a better chance of being accepted into good universities. They can also explore international schools and programs. Furthermore, we are uncertain whether traditional higher education will continue to be valued in the same way 10-15 years from now. My role is to prepare them for that world, not just to pay for a degree.
I wrote about the practical side of this decision, from financial aid to saving for both, in Saving for Retirement or Your Kids' College: Which Comes First?. How the 529 itself works is covered in How a 529 Plan Works: Rules, Flexibility, and Common Questions.
How to Think About It
There is no single right answer, and what makes sense depends on your income, your family, your goals, and your values. Here is how I think about it:
If you're deciding between your kids' education and your own retirement, consider that your children can borrow for an education and you cannot borrow for retirement. That is why I put retirement first.
If your own retirement isn't on track yet, I'd consider securing that first and treating the education fund as a gift you add when the time comes.
If you want to support your kids' education, paying is one option. Helping them earn money, work toward scholarships, and compare the return on different schools are others.
If your retirement is on track and you're thinking about a 529, the practical side is in Saving for Retirement or Your Kids' College: Which Comes First?.
Summary
The belief that kids' education must come before our own financial security feels like a duty, but it overlooks one difference: children can borrow for an education, and parents cannot borrow for retirement. A banker's question about my own retirement accounts is what started to change my mind, and it took years for me to understand it. Putting retirement first doesn't mean valuing education less. It means securing my own future first, and supporting my kids in the other ways I can.
FAQs
Should I save for my kids' education or my own retirement first? I put my own retirement first. Your children can borrow for an education, but you cannot borrow for retirement. It's a personal decision that depends on your situation and values.
What was the banker's question that changed my mind? He asked whether I had maximized all of my own retirement accounts before investing for my kids' education. I didn't understand it then. It took years of learning and running my own numbers to see the logic.
Does putting retirement first mean education matters less? No. Education remains one of my highest values. The goal of giving my children a great life didn't change; my understanding of what it requires did.
How can I support my kids' education without paying for all of it? You can help them find ways to earn their own money, work toward scholarships, and compare the return on different schools. A good elementary, middle, and high school education also helps them get into good universities.
How does my own financial security help my adult children? It removes the possibility that they will have to support you in your old age. To me, that is a form of freedom that is worth more than a fully-funded 529 plan.
What is a 529 plan? A 529 plan is an education savings account with tax benefits. I cover how it works in How a 529 Plan Works: Rules, Flexibility, and Common Questions.
Where can I read about the practical side, like financial aid and saving for both? I cover it in Saving for Retirement or Your Kids' College: Which Comes First?.
Transparency Note: I'm the human behind the keyboard — the ideas, stories, and decisions here are mine. I collaborate with AI throughout the writing process: brainstorming, drafting, smoothing out grammar and flow, assisting with research, and creating the visuals you see throughout my posts.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. I am an AFC® (Accredited Financial Counselor) Candidate, not a Certified Financial Planner (CFP®), Certified Public Accountant (CPA), tax advisor, attorney, or Investment Adviser Representative (IAR). The content herein is not intended to be a substitute for investment, tax, or legal advice from a licensed professional. Always seek the advice of a qualified professional with any questions you may have regarding your individual financial situation. The opinions expressed are my own and do not represent the views of my current or former employer.
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