It Doesn't Have to Be Hard: Unlearning a Lifetime of Limiting Beliefs

No pain, no gain.

Nothing in life comes free.

You can't win them all.

How often have we heard that in our lives? I know multiple variations of the same idea in Russian, which are so ingrained in our speech that people don't even realize they are programming themselves and everyone around them.

Several months ago, during a session with a coach I work with, I had to list the main limiting beliefs I had in my head. I listed a whole bunch of them:

• I am a woman, so I can't be as smart and successful as men.

• I look younger than I actually am, so people don't take me seriously.

• I am not an engineer, so I can't be successful in tech. (And I am a woman, so I can't be a good engineer anyway. An engineer is the most noble occupation to have. Everything else is not serious.)

• I came to the US without any financial backing, so I can't be financially secure.

• I am an immigrant and will never be taken as an equal, either at work or in interpersonal relationships.

• I don't have enough time (both on a daily basis and in a lifetime) to do everything I have to do.

• I'm a bad friend because I don't invest in maintaining relationships.

• I can't be good enough at anything because I am inconsistent.

• I can't make money by doing what I really like doing. If I like doing something, it's a hobby. If I want to earn money, it has to be serious work.

• I am a bad mom because I don't spend 100% of my time with my children.

• I can't be successful at work, be a good mom, be a good friend, have fulfilling relationships, and have time for myself. It's impossible to have it all.

  
  

I could go on and on with the list of bullshit I was offloading from my head, reflecting on how wrong it all was and how much it was holding me back from being present, grateful, and fulfilled.

But it took me months to get to the underlying limiting belief. Something so simple, but not that easy to embody. It felt like someone just turned on a light in a dark room.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE HARD.

The funniest part is... somewhere inside, I always KNEW that, but I didn't BELIEVE that. I didn't allow myself to believe it. Because it wasn't what we were told. It wasn't what we were taught.

Work hard, work harder, work more, and then a little more - and you'll get there.

Do you like reading? Talking? Writing? Planning parties? That's not what serious people do with their lives! Go and do something real. And work hard. Harder. Be miserable, push yourself past your limits, suffer. And you'll get there.

The issue is even bigger than just choosing to do things that are harder because of the flawed correlation between "hardness" and success. I used to underestimate the value of things that came easily to me. Not because they weren't important, but because I wasn't miserable achieving them. I "didn't work hard enough," or it "didn't feel difficult enough." That's why I deemed them to be insignificant ("It doesn't count if it's not hard!" - an injustice I was doing to myself.

Today, I cherish the things that come easily to me the most. Because they are reflections of my natural gifts and talents.

And I know I'll get there. Anywhere I want to be. And it doesn't have to be hard.